The Hidden Costs of Family Loyalty
Some of you may have been following the tragic story of Dan Markel’s murder and the Adelson family’s involvement. Beyond the headlines and courtroom drama, what stands out most to me is the family system itself. The Adelsons are not unique in this regard, though the extreme outcome of their dysfunction is. Their story offers a vivid example of how family dynamics, wealth, and narcissism can intertwine in ways that warp reality and impair individual agency.
The Adelson family dynamic has many parallels with a cult: a charismatic matriarch who sets the rules, children who are conditioned to seek her approval, and an insular worldview where outsiders are either recruited or eliminated. In this system, loyalty isn’t just encouraged, it’s demanded. Survival, whether emotional, financial, or even physical, seemed to depend on aligning with the leader’s wishes.
At the center is Donna Adelson, whose narcissism appears to have been the gravitational pull around which her children orbited. Her son, Charlie, seemed driven by a desperate need to prove himself, to be the one who could keep his mother satisfied and the family system intact. In environments like this, individuality is often suppressed in the service of preserving loyalty and control.
We also can’t ignore the role of wealth. Money in the Adelson family was not simply a resource; it was a tool of control. It maintained dependency, silenced dissent, and reinforced the belief that the family operated under a separate set of rules. In wealthy, enmeshed families, money can function like a doctrine in a cult: both a source of belonging and a leash that prevents separation.
This case highlights exactly the kind of work I do with parents. While most of the families I work with are not embroiled in criminal scandals, they often struggle with similar patterns:
A parent whose need for control or validation overshadows the child’s autonomy.
Children who grow up believing they must conform in order to be loved or accepted.
Wealth, privilege, or other external factors reinforce unhealthy patterns rather than breaking them.
In my work with parents, I help them see how their own fears, expectations, or desires can unintentionally shape their child’s identity, sometimes leaving the child feeling like they have to be who the parent needs, rather than who they really are. When children grow up believing that love is earned through compliance, they can lose their sense of self and even develop maladaptive patterns of behavior in order to survive emotionally.
The Adelson case is an extreme example of what can happen when these dynamics go unchecked. But it’s also a reminder that no amount of money, loyalty, or obedience can substitute for a healthy, functional family system. Healing is possible, but it requires honesty, boundaries, and often a willingness to dismantle the “cult” of loyalty that keeps dysfunction alive.
